Twilight: The Parody II
by Annie Cullen xx
Summary: What do you get when you cross Vampires and and overly obsessive fan? Twilight Parody!
1. Chapter 1 Erratic or Erotic?

**A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time.**

**And yes, some of the stuff in this I actually thought when reading/watching Twilight. :P**

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Location: Phoenix.

Bella: (Talking in sleep) Demon... baby... married... super-hot... Blood... (Wakes up) PALE DUDE!

Renee: Oh silly Bella. (Crazy Person laugh and eye twitch)

Bella: I... uh...

Renee: Get up, you're abandoning me, your loving, erratic, hare-brained mother, and moving to Forks.

AC: I mis-read erratic as erotic, I nearly died.

Renee: I don't remember having a second daughter.

AC: You didn't have another daughter, I'm just here because I'm here to wreck Bella's life FOREVER (Disappears)

Renee: ... Meh. Works for me.

----

Location: Airport

Charlie: (In head) _Ugh. I enjoyed being alone, but now Renee sent our bastard child over. What's her name... Ella... Trella... McLella..._

Bella: Hi Dad!

Charlie: Hi... Bella?

Bella: Yup.

Charlie: (In head) _Score._

_----_

Location: Forks.

Bella: (Gets out of car and falls over) Ahh! The rain! It _buuuurns_.

Charlie: Get off the floor, you're embarrassing yourself.

Bella: (Walks inside house) I-- (Gasps) Dad, why is there an _enormous _shrine of my mom?

Charlie: Damnit, I was supposed to move that.

Bella: (Creeped out face)

Charlie: I mean... um... (Sad face) I never got over your mom.

----

Location: Forks High School (Let the games begin XD)

Bella: (Loudly) Oh, this is SMALLER and less GLAMOUROUS than my old school.

Eric: No need to brag, geez.

Bella: I'm Bella, and I'm not bragging.

Eric: (Falls for Bella) You're _preeetty._

AC: (Fake cry) We've lost a brave fighter to the Bellotron.

Eric: (Robot voice) I am your slave, oh sweet Bella. (Drools)

Bella: _Okaaaay_.

----

Location: Cafeteria

AC: (Laying on a table, ignoring angry people) I'm guessing you have_ more_ minions?

Bella: Uh... yeah, it's creepy, Mike, the labrador, keeps asking me.

AC: (Angry face) AT LEAST YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ON VALENTINES DAY!

Bella: Sorry.

AC: I-- Speaking of Valentines... (Points to door to the Cullens)

Bella: Why-- (Dazzled) Ooh la la.

AC: And over to ho-ssica.

Jessica: (Looks away from mirror) Huh? Oh, they're the Cullens, good looking, weird, hot, Blah Blah Blah... (Looks at mirror)

AC: #If you keep talking that Blah blah blah blah blah#

Jessica: Shut up, I'm checking myself out... Oh _hellooo_ good-lookin', fancy a date?

AC: Oh dear... We have a name for you type of people in my world, they're called SLAGS!

Jessica: (Happy face) Thank-you.

AC: That's a ba-- never mind.

Emmett: Uh, it's our spotlight time.

Angela: Right... get to your places, then... That's Emmett and Rosalie, they're together _together_... and, oh, that's Alice, who's _reeeeally _weird--

AC: How dare you, she is not weird! ALICE IS NOT WEIRD, DON'T JUDGE HER!

Angela: She's with Jasper, the one who looks like he's in pain--

AC: And Jasper is _not_ in pain! He can't stand to be around hu-- you people.

Angela: And that's--

Jessica: Can I do this one, please.

Angela: Fine.

Jessica: That's Edward Cullen, the hottest guy you'll ever meet!

AC: Not exactly. Now, I am Team Edward, but she hasn't met Jacob Black. (_Wolf _whistles) Man he's hot!

----

Location: Biology

Mr Whats-his-face: Isabella Swan, you'll sit next to Cullen (Internal Sigh of adoration)

Edward: Oh dear god! Stop thinking me like that, Sir! (Shivers)

Mr Whats-his-face: ?

Bella: (Acts like a 5-year old) Hi, I'm Bella, will you be my friend?

Edward: (Glare of hunger/death which is somehow sexy)

Bella: Geez, a simple 'no' would have done, but _obviously_ someone can't say it.

AC: (Walks into the room) Hey hey!

Mr Whats-his-face: You're not in this class.

AC: I'm here to ruin Bella's life.

Whole Class: Meh. Works for us.

Bella: WHY AM I HATED SO MUCH?

Edward: (In head) _I vant to suck your blood... no, I don't, Blood is bad... humans are friends, not food..._

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**The song is 'Blah Blah Blah' by Ke$ha feat. 3OH!3**

**I saw Valentines day today, and I see Jacob/Taylor Launter in a whole new light... HE'S TOTALLY GORGEOUS! Should I convert to Team Jacob, or be Team Werewire?**

**It's true, I did read 'Erratic' as 'Erotic' :L**

**x**


	2. Chapter 2 Ugg Boots

**A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time.**

**So... any ideas for the parody? I'd appreciate your ideas :D**

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Location: School (How dull is Bella's life?)

Bella: (In Head) _I'm gonna Edward, I'm gonna see Edward... _(Walks into Biology, and sees the empty seat) Aw!

AC: L-O-N-E-R.

Bella: Shut up, I was so looking forward to seeing him, I even wore my best clothes.

AC: Best? They're your best?

Bella: What's wrong with them?

AC: Really want to know?

Bella: Uh, yeah.

AC: (Takes deep breath) A Khaki Skirt? A _Khaki _skirt? Sure, a skirt, maybe even a denim skirt, but _Khaki_? Seriously, Bella!

Bella: I'm guessing you hate it?

AC: Was I _not_ clear before?

Bella: No, you were.

Mr Whats-his-face: Good morning cl-- (Sees Edward's empty seat) Aw!

----

Location: Cafeteria, The Cullen Table

Alice: Ew.

Rosalie: What?

Alice: That human that I saw having sexy time with Edward is wearing a Khaki skirt. No sister of mine is wearing that crap, I mean, it's just_ Hideux._

AC: I don't do French, but I'm guessing that means hideous?

Alice and Rosalie: Yeah.

AC: (Sighs) Good 'cause it sounded like some type of French designer.

Alice: You're wearing Ugg Boots... Yeah, you know nothing about fashion.

AC: _Hellooo_! Rain!

----

Location: Biology (3 Days later) (I mean seriously, Bella needs a life!)

Bella: (In Head) _Please be here, Please be here... _(Sees Edward) Oh yeah! (In head) _Don't die Bella, left foot, right foot, left foot, avoid fan... Sit and mission accomplished!_

Edward: (In Head) _Mm I could just drag her out now, no one will miss her much... NO! Damn it, NO! _

Bella: (Tries to be sexy opening the biology book)

Edward: (In Head) _Uggh, I'll die if she keeps doing that._ (Coughs) Hello, I'm Edward Cullen.

Bella: I'm Bell--

AC: (Whispers) --otron.

Bella: Shush! My whole future is a stake here!

AC: I'm here to ruin it, fool!

Edward: U... You enjoying the weather, I mean, because you--

Bella: I HATE THE FREAKIN' WEATHER! IT _BUUUUURNS _MY ABNORMALLY PALE SKIN!

Edward: (Passes over Microscope) M-metaphase, w-wanna ch-check it?

Bella: (Calms down) No really, but I will anyway. (Looks in Microscope) Uh, I guess that's right... I have no idea what this so called 'Metaphase' looks like anyway.

----

Location: Car Park.

Bella: (Rummages through fugly red bag) iPod!

Tyler: (In his van) #Don't stop me _noooow_ I'm havin' such a good time, I'm havin' a ball!# (Sees Bella and skids) Ahh!

Bella: I'll just turn and watch the van come towards me instead of running away like a normal person.

Edward: (Laughs) Shes going to die... Die... blood splattered everywhere (Looks at Jasper who's mouth is watering) Eeep! (Runs to save Bella)

Bella: OH DEAR GOD!

Edward: I... But I saved you?

Bella: The iPod! YOU KILLED MY IPOD!

Edward: I'll buy you a new one, I am, after all, uber rich!

Bella: No! This iPod was sacred! (Crys)

AC: (Holds own iPod to chest) It's okay Edward, mommy's here.

Edward: You named your iPod Edward?

AC: Yes. It was originally called 'Annie Cullen', but my friend named hers Jasper.

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**My iPod is called Edward. And Bella wears a Khaki skirt sometime in the book, don't the clothing combinations sound HORRIBLE!?**

**Review?**


	3. Chapter 3 Edward's Sexuality

**A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time.**

**I loved this chapter! I got this bit from the book, when Edward and Bella were asking each other questions and crap like that ;P**

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Location: A Restaurant

Bella: My turn for the questions. (Edward nods) Okay... are you gay?

Edward: No.

Bella: Bi?

Edward: No.

Bella: Transexual?

Edward: Must all your questions be about my sexuality?

Bella: Um--

AC: For the record, say sexuality again.

Edward: Why?

AC: Just do it!

Edward: (Sighs) Sexuality.

AC: (Squeals and disappears)

Bella: (Long pause) _Are_ you gay, then?

Edward: No, I'm straight, next question!

Bella: Okay... um... oh! What about, tell me about your life.

Edward: Well... if you must know... (Stands up) #I'm just a hot guy, everybody loves me!#

Random fangirls: #He's just a hot guy from a hot family, he spared his own life for this bitch Bella Swan!#

Bella: Hey!

AC: Okay, stop! I liked the idea of using and adapting the Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics and all, but you don't need a song and dance!

Edward: Can I point out that there was no dancing.

AC: (Glares at Edward) You know what I mean.

----

Location: La Push

Mike: I'm going to try and surf, maybe Bella will like me then.

Eric: I'm going to surf the internet... get it? Surf, internet? We're here... surfing... and we... huh? (Long pause) You guys have no sense of geek humor!

Angela: (Sniff) Eric won't take me to the prom.

Bella: You ask him.

Angela: (Turns into Gretchen from Mean Girls) I can't do that, that's just, like, the rules of feminism.

Bella: Who are you and what have you done with Angela?

Angela: I do that for effect.

Jacob: Oh my God! My future Girlfriend/Wife/Imprint's Mother!

Bella: I prefer Bella.

Jacob: Right, shall we walk along the beach then I can be a _tota__l_ bitch and talk about the Cullens behind their backs.

Bella: Sure.

----

Location: Beach

Jacob: ... So yeah...

Bella: Anyway, you said you wanted to bitch about the Cullens to me?

Jacob: Oh yeah! Okay, I descend from wolves, because I'm just cool, and the Cullens are our enemies... RAWR!

Bella: #Tell me more, tell me more! Was it tribal hatred?#

Jacob: ?

Bella: I mean... continue.

Jacob: They're cold ones.

Bella: Aw, they suffer from colds?

Jacob: No!

Bella: Oh... their house is cold?

Jacob: NO! Just Google it! (Storms off)

----

Location: Bella's room.

Bella: Okay... scary book thing, check... Popcorn, check... Laptop, not check... WHERES MY LAPTOP?

AC: (Appears with laptop)

Bella: You! Give me it back!

AC: No, I don't have one.

Bella: Can't you just... I don't know, type yourself one? (Tries to grab laptop)

AC: Pfft, what am I, God?

Bella: Just give me the damn laptop.

AC: You owe me big time! (Disappears)

Bella: (Turns on dramatic music) Let the googling commence!

(1 hour later)

Bella: (Slowly) O-M-C!

AC: What?

Bella: The Cullens are Vampires... but they can go out in the sun, and their skin sparkles--

AC: My Edward description #You taste just like glitter mixed with rock and ro-oll!#

Bella: Lady Gaga?

AC: Totally.

Bella: I like her.

AC: Ew, we can't have anything in common! (Disappears)

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**Sorry for the shortness. WILL BE LONGER CHAPTERS!**

**Songs used: **

**Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen  
A lyric from a song in Grease  
Boys Boys Boys - Lady Gaga **

**Review?**


	4. Chapter 4 Is Edward a Freakin' Volcano?

_A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time._

_I'm remaking, or rather rewriting New Dawn if anyones interested in reading the first chapter soon? I just felt like writing it again, since it was the very first fic. ever wrote.  
_

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Location: Forks High School Car Park

Bella: (Paranoid face) (In Head) _Shit. The guy I have a huge crush on isn't even human! Charlie will throw a fit, wait, he can't know he's a vampire. Relax Bella, just tell him your fine with it, you don't care if he'll suck your blood when making out..._

AC: Bella, have you got a Multiple Personality Disorder?

Bella: No.

AC: Why do you give _yourself_ advice?

Bella: I don-- Hey! Can you read minds? (Gasp) You're a vampire, too!

AC: (Sigh) I wish... how I'd love Edward to bite me...

Bella: (Creeped out face) _Okaaaay_.... (Sees Edward) He's here! ('I-Know-What-You-Are-RAWR!' Face)

Edward: (Sees Bella's expression) Crap, she knows my secret! Act normal, and follow her to the forest... Shit, I said that aloud!

Bella: (Flicks hair and walks to the forest)

Edward: Aw man! (Follows Bella)

Eric: Ha, Edward is going to rape Bella in the forest.

Tyler: Naw, they're going to have sexy time in the forest.

Mike: But... but... but... (Runs away crying)

----

Location: Forest.

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it, out loud--

AC: (Hanging from a tree branch) I thought you_ couldn't_ read Bella's mind?

Edward: I can't... I mean I... You ruin everything! Go away!

Bella: Uh, _hellooo_!

Edward: Continue Bella.

Bella: You're a vampire.

Edward: Are you afraid?

Bella: Well I--

AC: Would _you_ be afraid of you? I mean, your skin sparkles, not that I'm complaining about it.

Bella: No, I'm not afraid of you.

Edward: (Grabs Bella's arm and pulls her up a hill) This is what I really look like. (Unbuttons shirt)

Bella: Are you the Hulk, too?

AC: Shush, Edward's stripping!

Edward: (Skin sparkles)

AC: Just like watching it on Blu Ray, only better. (Sigh)

----

Location: Bella's Room.

Bella: There were things I was absolutely positive, first, Edward was a vampire--

AC: No shit, Sherlock.

TBC: Shh! Robert Downey Jr. is gorgeous!

AC: He's, like, my dads age!

TBC: (Disappears)

Bella: Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be that thirsted for my blood.

AC: Okay, number one, great choice of words Bella, dominant, what is he, a freakin' volcano? And second, you thirst for his venom or, dare I say it... sperm!

Bella: Shut it! (Voice over Voice) And third, I was unconditionally, and irrevocably in love with him.

AC: (Walking out of the door) Lies, it's all lies!

----

Location: School Parking Lot.

Crowd: (Gasp)

Bella: People are staring.

AC: That's because you're the world's greatest odd couple! #You belong with me-e-e!#

Edward: I'm breaking the rules, so I'm going to hell.

Rosalie: Hmm, I'm not happy that he's dating her.

Jasper: Mmm. _Blooooooood_.

Emmett: (Shrugs)

Alice: BARBIE DOLL! BARBIE DOLL!

* * *

_I particularly enjoyed this chapter. _

_Song: You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift._

_I was going to use Riverside by Sidney Sampson but I have a better idea for that in the next chapter._

_Next Chapter: Bella and The Cullens and ME!_

_Review?_

ACxx


	5. Chapter 5 Carlisle and his pal Glasgow

_A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time._

_I'm going to start the New Moon parody soon :)_

_Riverside... LETS GO! lol. You may have seen, my new profile picture... it's an **ECLIPSE **still. The link to them all is on my profile._

_So, Bella meets the Cullens now, face-to-face!_

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Location: Cullen House

Edward: This is my house... uh... yeah, my house. Ma Hizzle, my crib--

AC: I think she gets it, Edward.

Bella: It's huge.

AC: (Mutters) Insert dirty joke here... (Normally) I love it, can I move in?

Edward: No.

Bella: I'll just dump my coat on your probably priceless bench-thing.

Edward: Okay.

Rosalie: Here comes the human.

AC: I'm here!

Rosalie: He has _two_ human bitches?! HOW COULD HE! ONE WAS BAD ENOUGH!

Edward: Hi, this is Bella.

Rosalie: And what about the other whore?

AC: (Gasps) Excuse me? You have no right to call me a whore, _Ho_-salie!

Rosalie: (Smashes Bowl in her hands)

AC: So that's really why she did that.

Bella: So, um... you guys are vampires, then.

Emmett: Last time I checked.

AC: That can be wrong in so many ways. (Shudders)

Alice: Hi Bella (Jumps off of the branch) I'm Alice, the--

Bella: Let me guess, your the shopping-addict-who-resembles-a-pixie-and-can-see-the-future-randomly vampire?

Alice: ... You forgot small.

Jasper: (Glare)

Carlisle: Jasper is our newest vegetarian. He might eat ya'.

Jasper: Rawr-- I mean, it's a pleasure to meet you.

TBC: (Outside) My Jasper senses are tingling! (Runs upstairs) It's Jasper!

Jasper: Edward, is this another of your humans?

Edward: No.

AC: She's my human, don't worry.

Bella: You said you weren't a vampire.

AC: I'm not.

Bella: Then how co--

Edward: _Aaaand_ moving on.

----

Location: Edward's Bedroom

Bella: Oh, it's lovely... messy, but lov-- Wait a minute! Wheres, the bed?

Edward: Vampires don't sleep.

Bella: But what about when... I mean we have to... Oh never mind!

Edward: The view from my room, trees and stuff...

Bella: And a river, and riverside house, goreg--

AC: #Riverside... Lets Go!# (Dances)

Edward: ?

Bella: ??

AC: It's a song... deal with it.

Bella: Speaking of songs (Monotone Bella voice) Wow, you have so much music.

AC: I know, more than a music store!

Edward: (Switches on stereo) Debussy.

AC: _Pfft_!

Edward: What now?

AC: Debussy? It's not very... modern, is it. I think you should play this... (Plugs iPod in) #L-O-V-E is just another word I'll never learn to pronounce...#

Edward: We can't slow dance to that.

Bella: (Scared face) I'm not scared of you guys being vampires, but when it comes to dancing... oh no, no, no, NO!

Edward: I could always make you.

Bella: (Gasp) Really?!

AC: No, he was joking. Haha.

Edward: (Pulls Bella onto the tree) You'd better hold on tight, Spider Monkey.

Bella: What? A Monkey with Spider legs? I never heard of such a stupid thing.

AC: Or a Spider with a Monkey's face.

----

Location: Baseball Field

Esme: We need an umpire.

AC: What are you doing?

Esme: Baseball, not that you'd know anything about it.

AC: What? Just because I'm English?

Esme: No... yes.

AC: _Pfft_.

Edward: So Bella, ready to play some ball.

AC: Ha! That line cracks me up.

Edward: ?

Alice: It's time (_Super Massive Black Hole _plays) SHUT THAT OFF, I CAN'T STAND MUSE!

SM: (Appears) Well I like them. They gave me inspiration to write about you guys so shut your mouth, crazy fucking weirdo!

Alice: If you wrote about us, why you calling me a crazy fucking weirdo?

Rosalie: Takes one to know one, Steph.

SM: I... you... UGH! (Disappears)

AC: Tut, tut. You can't piss God off.

Alice: She's not God, she's just Stephanie Meyer.

AC: Technically she's God to _you_, so you obey her.

SM: (Appears) OBEY ME! (Disappears)

Alice: !

----

5 Minutes Later.

Alice: !! (Vision Face) EEEP!

Jasper: What did you see?

Alice: Your face... no, I'm kidding, 3 Vampires.

James: You mean US? (Thunder and Lighting)

Cullens: Ahh!

Laurent: L-O-L. I am Laurent, this is Victoria...

Victoria: Call me Vicky and you are DEAD!

Laurent: ... and James.

James: (In Head) _Omnomnomnom..._

Carlisle: I'm Carlisle, this is my family.

AC: (Gasp) LIAR! Bella isn't related to you at all!

Laurent: So Carlisle, how's your friend Glasgow? (Victoria and Laurent laugh)

Carlisle: That's not funny.

AC: This is taking the piss, (Whooshes Bella's hair to send the smell to James)

James: (Sniffs) You brought me a snack!

Bella: Eeep!

Edward: (Angry Chipmunk face)

AC: Haha, Chipmunk face. I can never keep a straight face.

Carlisle: The girl is with us.

Bella: In case it hasn't escaped your mind, I have a name.

Carlisle: Shh!

* * *

_Like? Love? I prefer Love. The Obey me thing was from registration a few weeks ago, our teacher like roared at us to be quiet, and Elizabeth (TBC) whispered "Obey Me!"_

_And the Glasgow joke with Carlisle is true, too. Sorry Team Carlisle's. _

_Song: Starstrukk - 3OH!3 feat. Katy Perry, or is it the other way around? I don't remember, iTunes isn't open at the moment._


	6. Chapter 6 Catherine Hardwicke's Blue Hue

_A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time._

_I was reading Breaking Dawn, and came to the immortal child bit, and I thought "Wait... Jane must be an immortal child?" Can someone help me?_

_And, another question that is nothing to do with this... Who do you think killed Archie in Eastenders? Add your thought/s in your review!_

* * *

Location: Cullen House.

Jasper: James is sadistic... I should know, Grr!

Carlisle: Rip him up and burn him.

Alice: (Vision Face) Eep!

Edward: What did you see?

Alice: Nothing.

Edward: That was your vision face.

Alice: No it wasn't.

Edward: Yes it was.

Alice: No, Edward, it wa--

Bella: _Helloooo_, being hunted by a crazy vampire!

Edward: I'll take you, because I love you!

Alice: You can't, because it's a _tad_ obvious that she'd go with you.

Edward: Yes, dear Alice. But they would think it was obvious too, so they'd follow you.

Alice: But Edward, if they thought it was too obvious, they wouldn't follow me!

Bella: My head hurts.

Alice: (Throws Bella into the Mercedes)

Bella: If anything-- (Annoying face twitch thing) -- anything happens I swear to god...

AC: You don't sound very threatening, Bella.

Bella: I'm trying my best!

Edward: Nothing will happen, I'll see you soon, Love.

Bella: # I'll never be the same if we ever meet again...#

Edward: (Grabs Bella's arm) #Won't let you get away, if we ever meet again#

Alice: What is this, High School Musical? Bella, if you don't shut up and let me drive in the next 5 seconds, I'll kill you myself.

Bella: Sorry.

----

Location: Hotel Room

Jasper: (Watching TV) So, what are we watching?

AC: (Shrugs) I know! (Switches to Eastenders)

Jasper: What they hell is this crap?

AC: It's not crap, it's Eastenders.

Jasper: ?

AC: I need to know who killed Archie, personally, I think it was Jack, but Peggy leaves in June, so the trial could go on for that long, or maybe Bradley, because-- Your not listening are you, Jazz?

Jasper: Nope. I was thinking about Soup.

AC: Oh, okay.

Alice: (Runs in with Vision Face)

Jasper: What did you see?

Alice: A room full of mirrors...

Jasper: (Hands a piece of chalk to Alice)

AC: Can I ask, where did that chalk come from?

Jasper: The Dark Lord CH.

AC: CH? Oh, Catherine Hardwicke.

CH: (Appears) You summoned me and my sexy Blue Hue effect?

AC: Nope. Just wondered where the chalk came in. THE BLUE HUE WAS NOT SEXY!

CH: It was, an you know it! (Disappears)

AC: I just asked her a question, geez, talk about rudeness.

Jasper: Yes, but you said the Blue Hue wasn't sexy... (Looks at paper) What is _that_?

Alice: A Ballet Studio full of mirrors, why?

Jasper: It looks like a puppy. (Pees himself laughing [Literally])

----

Location: The Bedroom.

Bella: (Rocking on the bed)

AC: (Appears sitting on the window sill) Bella, why are you rocking?

Bella: I'm scared.

AC: You should be.

Bella: What?!

AC: Nothing.

Bella: I miss Edward, I can't live without him, my life might as well end if I'm not with him!

AC: (Coughs and drops New Moon out of the window)

CW **(A/N: Chris Weitz)**: OW! WHAT THE FU-- (Looks at New Moon) Oooh!

* * *

_Ha ha, I had to have the Chris Weitz bit in, it was calling me! And Catherine Hardwicke, the Blue Hue was not needed in Twilight, a normal screen colour would have been fine!_

_Song: If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland Feat. Katy Perry. (It's quite New Moon-y)_

_Like? Review!_

_AC x_


	7. Chapter 7 Ballet Studio Antics

_A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time._

_I have now got a liking for Lily Allen now, so a few songs of hers shall appear in this chapter, and the chapters after that :P_

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Location: Ballet Studio

Bella: It's quiet... too quiet... hmm...

Renee on the tape: Bella? Where the FUCK are you? Call yourself a daughter?

Bella: Mommy? (Runs and opens closet and finds NOTHING!) Oops.

James: Ha! You fell for it, you air-head!

Bella: Me? An air-head?

James: Duh!

Bella: I, um... Pepper Spray, I choose YOU! (Runs away)

James: Silly, silly girl. (Runs and throws Bella to the ground)

Bella: OW! MY FRICKIN' HEAD!

James: I'm going to be pervy and film this (Breaks Bella's leg) Tell Edward to avenge you!

Bella: No!

James: I'll cry.

Edward: (Dives on James)

James: Ahh!

Edward: I'll kill you, bitch!

James: You think? (Strangles Edward)

Edward: Yeah, I can kill you! (Throws James)

James: Haha! (Bites Bella)

Bella: OH DEAR GOD, THAT HURTS!

Other Cullens: (Jump off the balcony)

Carlisle: Edward, Bella's freaking me out, please go suck out the venom.

Edward: Okay. (Sucks Bella's venom out)

Bella: NO! PLEASE DON'T, I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE!

AC: You're already a Mary-Sue.

Bella: PLEASE!

AC: Wait three more books, you get a kid for free, you know.

Edward: (Stops) A-- a what?

AC: A kid.

Edward: _Nooooo_!

----

Location: Hospital

Renee: Bella. Bella... BELLA!

Bella: (Bolts awake) I'm up, I'm up, I've... broken my leg. Shit.

Renee: You fell down some stairs, and then fell out of a freakin' window! Only you could manage that, you clumsy bitch.

Bella: Get Dad, I can't stand your face anymore.

Renee: Okay. (Goes away)

Bella: Where's James?

Edward: He is... BEHIND YOU!

Bella: (Terrified face) Oh my God, please do--

Edward: (Laughing) Sorry! It had to be done... Haha!

Bella: ( A '-.-' kind of face)

Edward: James is dead-ish.

Bella: What do you mean, _ish_?

Edward: Alice took him shopping before she killed him, apparently she didn't want to kill him with a dirty jacket worn by a unimportant person. And it turns out James killed himself instead because he couldn't handle another second of Alice's torture.

Bella: How do you know that?

Edward: Alice said he screamed out '_I can't handle another second of your torture!_' And jumped into a bonfire.

Bella: Bonfire?

Edward: Don't ask.

----

Location: Prom, (Well actually, Edward's car to be exact.)

Bella: (Muttering) Stupid cast, stupid dress, stupid hair, stupid mother fu--

Edward: Bella, you can get out.

Bella: They'll laugh!

AC: (Appears in back seat) Yu_p,_ they will.

Bella: (Gets out of the car)

AC: Hey everyone, laugh at Bella.

People: (Laughs)

Bella: Stop that!

AC: No.

Bella: #Fuck you, fuck you...#

AC: #... Fuck you very, very mu-u-u-u-uch!# (Winks and disappears)

Jacob: Hey Bella, nice dress.

Bella: ... #Fuck you!#

Jacob: ?

* * *

_Before you ask, "F*** You" is a Lily Allen song._

_REVIEW, MAYBE? _

_xxxxxx_


	8. Chapter 8 Duff Duff

_A/N: Heyy. Twi-Twi-Twi-Twilight Parody Time._

_Can you believe it? OH MY GOD, BRADLEY'S DEAD AND** STACEY** KILLED ARCHIE!! I CRIED SO MUCH! *Falls to floor banging fists around* Not Bradley!_

_Anyway, back to the story. _

* * *

Location: Prom.

Edward: (Holds hand out) Dance with me?

Bella: (Laughs) No.

Edward: Pease?

Bella: Uh... no.

Edward: I'm serious.

AC: (Turns on _Dance Wiv Me_ by Dizzee Rascal)

Edward: (Through teeth) Not. Helping.

AC: Sorry. (Disappears)

Bella: Fine, only because I want to be a vampire.

Edward: Just dance Bella.

Bella: (Flails arms) Fine.

AC: (Appears) _Nooooooo!_

Edward: What now?

AC: (Crying) B-B-Bradley's d-dead!

Bella: Who?

AC: In E-Eastenders, S-S-tacey k-killed Archie, and n-now Bradley's d-dead!

Edward: What's that got to do with us?

AC: (Falls to floor and cries) Why? Why? WHY?

Emmett: (Runs over, drunk) Hey Eddie, wanna play a game?

Edward: What now?!

Emmett: Flip, Sip, or s-strip.

Rosalie: (Inside) Oh _Eeeeemmett_...

Emmett: Gotta go. (Shuffles away, falling over because he is P-I-S-S-E-D!)

Bella: Can vampires get drunk?

Edward: Come on, it's Emmett.

Bella: Yeah, I suppose.

----

Location: The house where the prom was held.

Victoria: (Stands in a shower) Oh James!

AC: (Appears standing against a wall) I never knew standing in a shower was part of the grieving process.

Victoria: People grieve their own ways, okay!

AC: By standing in a shower?

Victoria: If you must know, Vampires can't cry, so I'm standing in this shower to make it seem like I'm crying.

AC: And the point of that being?

Victoria: I... um... I don't know!

AC: You do what you need to do. (Disappears)

Victoria: (Gets out of the shower) There. (Clears throat) Oh James! Why, why, WHY?!

(Human) Riley: (Runs upstairs) Now, where was that punch bowl?

Victoria: Why, hello there. (Flutters eyes)

(Human) Riley: Uh, hi. Have you seen a big pu-- (Dazzled by Victoria) You're _preeeetty._

Victoria: I know, I know. Now, I need a new protojay, to kill some humans for me so I get away with it... like Stacey did!

(Human) Riley: (Snaps out of dazzle) What the-- Oh, punch bowl. (Picks up punch bowl) Oh, hello hottie.

Victoria: Hello. Listen, (Dazzles Riley again) I'm gonna bite you now.

(Human) Riley: (Dazzled face) Okay.

Victoria: (Bites Riley)

(Human) Riley: (Screams) OH DEAR GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN! NO! NO!

Victoria: Now, while I wait... (Stands in the shower again) _... Jaaaaaames_!

AC: (Appears) You still in the shower?

Victoria: You still here?

AC: Geez Victoria, talk about emo-ism.

Victoria: You already argued with me about this, now leave me and my sexy newborn.

AC: (Dials number onto phone)

Victoria: Who are you calling?

AC: Aro... yes, I have a job for you... yes, a newborn... Forks... You'll come if what?... Oh, it was Stacey, and Bradley DIED!

Victoria: Who's Aro?

AC: Volturi, your _deeeead_! Hehe. (Disappears)

Victoria: (Gets out of the shower) I'd better go, oh, one last thing. (Evil death glare at Edward and Bella outside) And flick hair!

AC: You look like Rosalie.

Rosalie: NO ONE, I REPEAT, NO ONE, LOOKS LIKE ME, I'M ONE OF A KIND, DAMN IT!

CH: Rosalie, you're not in the story anymore!

AC: (Happy high voice) And your not directing the movies anymore, _Yeeeeey_! (Happy dance and claps))

CH: Then who is?

CW: (Appears with long black cape on) Me! (Superhero music)

CW, Rosalie and Victoria: (Gasp)

AC: Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff...

* * *

_I needed a good Duff Duff. For those who don't know, a Duff Duff is the theme tune for Eastenders, and happens on a cliffhanger. Click on the link of my profile to understand MORE! And I won't mention Eastenders anymore, starting NOW!_

_Should I do a couple more chapters? Or do my New Moon Parody? Add in the review._

_CH = Catherine Hardwicke  
__CW = Chris Weitz_

_Song: Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal_

_Review? _


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